Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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