Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i am craving dick and cupcakes
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
