The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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