If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
