I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
