You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
