I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
being pregnant is like rehab
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
