I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
