She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
