i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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