Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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