I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
