Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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