I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
