So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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