I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
