Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
