wanna go halves on a baby?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
