I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
As shirtless as possible
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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