If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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