I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
