My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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