i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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