There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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