My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize