Don't make out with my wife yet
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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