You don't have asthma, your pregnant
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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