The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
