They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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