there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just google imaged poop.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
