Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
