just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
