My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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