i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
We have started to decorate penises.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
