lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
