i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I understand Curling. That high.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
how drunk are you?
Several
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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