I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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