and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
