Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
