Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
