I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
