Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
