Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
