Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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