I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
