guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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