He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
