I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
