This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
