If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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