So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Congratulations! We have a period
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
