I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
