She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
