I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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