i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Someone shattered a urinal.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
