I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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