I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
