I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
