When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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