then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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