stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
