I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
