he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
