I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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